Seasonal Snogging
by mugglemin
Summary: Brothers Dumbledore find themselves competing over more than just the anual Crimbo Contest...ADMM. Complete.
1. Default Chapter

Gawd knows why I have chosen to post a Christmas story now…must be the steaming Japanese heat I am currently experiencing. This is the first piece of Harry Potter fan fiction I ever wrote. I refrained from posting it because it's fluffy, and I tend to be bad at fluff.

Of course, all characters and places are temporarily on loan from J.K.Rowling.

****

Seasonal Snogging

Minerva turned her cheek to Albus with a grimace.

"Oh come now, it can't be that bad!" cried Professor Sprout across the staff room.

Albus placed a peck on Professor McGonagall's cheek and she moved away quickly as a ruby plopped into the jar in his hand.

"Next!" the Headmaster cried.

It was the day before Christmas eve and the penultimate day of the now infamous Crimbo Contest where, in the run up to Christmas day, Aberforth and Albus Dumbledore competed to see who could kiss the most women under the mistletoe. With each kiss, they were rewarded with a jewel in their jar, a bit like the house points system at the school. One point for a peck on the cheek, two for one on the lips, three for a snog, and so on. The loser would make a donation to the charity of the winner's choice, and Albus was determined to win for St Mungo's this year. It was getting ridiculous. In the past four years, he had donated over a thousand galleons to Juniper Biscestor's Home for Retired Goats, and people were starting to think the infatuation ran in the family. His run of losses was due to Aberforth's acquisition of a girlfriend, not fiver summers ago, although he was frankly amazed that it had lasted this long. They usually refused to share him with his four-legged friends. The girlfriend had ensured Aberforth a head start each year that Albus struggled to match. This year would be different, however. This year he was definitely going to win.

Albus moved to the next female professor in the line, the mistletoe floating magically above his head. His eyes lingered for a moment on the witch whose cheek he had just kissed as she walked away, then he quickly kissed Professor Sprout and another ruby fell into his jar.

He was doing very well, so far. Despite Aberforth's twenty point lead, Albus had managed to get himself to twelve on the first day by having a night out at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade. Of course, he had had to kiss a few hags, but it had been worth it to see his jar fill with twelve glittering rubies. Since that night, however, things had gone a bit cold, and he had had to resort to threatening a certain reluctant female member of staff with remedial transfiguration classes with the Creevey brothers if she didn't relent and let him kiss her on the cheek.

Minerva sniffed disdainfully as another ruby fell into Albus's jar. She looked up at him and saw his eyes twinkling at her in amusement.

"It's just a bit of fun, my dear." he said.

She gave him a scowl.

"Just as long as you don't start kissing the students!" she growled, making her exit with a swish of robes.

The remaining staff members in the room flinched as the door slammed.

"What she needs is a good, hard…"

"Madam Hooch!" cried Professor Sprout in shock.

"…SNOG, I was going to say, Pomona."

Professor Sprout had to concede that her colleague was indeed on the right track.

"Yes, she does seem more uptight that usual…" she said. "Perhaps you can sort her out with your mistletoe, Headmaster?" She cast a quick glance at Madam Hooch, but Albus started and a look of horror entered his eyes.

"Good heavens!" He cried. "Do you know what I had to threaten her with to get her to let me kiss her on the cheek?! The woman would skin me alive!"

"Whatever happened to that famous Gryffindor courage?" asked the head of Hufflepuff with a smile.

Albus gave her a sideways glance.

"I shouldn't be telling you this but…" he lowered his voice to a whisper "this lion cowers before the wrath of that lioness."

* * *

Give us a kiss and put a review in my box! 

Stay tuned to see how Albus is going to fill his jar...


	2. The emeraldeyed monster

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter 2: The Emerald Eyed Monster.

The Three Broomsticks was full to bursting that night as the handful of Hogwarts Professors made their way into the bar. Hagrid was already there, taking up all the room as usual. The rest of them found themselves in standing room only as Dumbledore headed for the bar, rattling his jar hopefully on his way to buy the first round.

Minerva watched him as he passed various witches and struck up conversations with them in the hope of a quick kiss.

"He's a charmer isn't he?" Professor Sprout said, nudging Minerva, but winking at Madam Hooch.

Minerva "humphed!" and turned away slightly to hide the flush of anger in her cheeks.

The door opened and Aberforth came in. Spotting them all standing in the middle, he hailed them and made his way over.

"Hello!" he cried jovially "You're all drink less!"

"We sent your brother to the bar but he seems to have been waylaid trying to fill up his jar." Minerva replied, not without a hint of bitterness, he thought.

He looked over to Albus who was administering kisses to every cheek of a group of giggling spinster sisters. Rubies were dropping furiously into his jar. It seemed to be rather a large family.

Aberforth smiled confidently.

"He's not going to win, you know. Not unless he does something _very _special." He raised his eyebrows in a "_you know what I mean_" sort of way and then nearly tripped over Minerva, who had dropped her wand on the floor.

She returned to a standing position, looking hot and flustered to find Aberforth looking at her intently, with a strange twinkle in his eye that was not unfamiliar to her.

"You alright, Minerva?" he asked

"Yes, just a bit hot." She replied.

He refrained from remarking that he'd always thought she was "hot" and turned instead to look at his brother, who was now deep in conversation with Madam Rosmerta.

"So how many of you have kissed him then?" he asked the Professors. All the ladies bowed their heads in affirmation. "Just pecks on the cheek eh? No snogging?"

"Certainly not!" came Minerva's reply. "He doesn't need encouraging!"

"Aberforth grinned and put his arm round her waist. Had he been his brother, she might have found herself going a bit weak at the knees and moved away. As it was only Aberforth, however, an incorrigible old flirt who had no effect on her whatsoever, she did not bother remove herself from his hold.

"So your loyalty to the headmaster only goes so far eh?"

"Don't get any funny ideas, Aberforth." she said warningly.

There was a sudden burst of applause and they all looked over to see the headmaster wrapped in an embrace - tongues and all - with the landlady. It seemed to last an age, and the jar in Albus's hand was filling quickly.

"That's more than three points!" Aberforth cried "You only get three points for a snog, what on earth is he doing to her?!"

He instantly regretted his words, however, as Minerva pushed past him and out of the door, muttering about it being too hot and needing some air.

"Someone should go after her" Madam Hooch said. "I think it was more than the heat..."

Both she and Professor Sprout moved to follow Minerva outside but Aberforth stopped them with a raised hand.

"Don't worry, my dears." he announced with a smile "As my old mate Baldric used to say, 'I have a cunning plan...'"

* * *

**For those of you who don't know, Baldric is a character from the UK comedy "Blackadder". His catchphrase was always "Don't worry, I have a cunning plan..." It has since become a bit of a national catchphrase, and I'm told "Don't worry, Baldric has a cunning plan" was actually graffitied on the Berlin wall. There's a useless bit of information for you.**

**And now for my very own cunning plan: review to find out about _Aberforth's_ cunning plan...**

**P.S. I've never thanked all the people who have reviewed my other stuff! I do appreciate it, and all kinds of criticism are welcome! Knock yourselves out!**


	3. Happenin's down't pub

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter Three: Happenin's down't pub

Aberforth exited the pub and looked around for Minerva in the snow. She was halfway up the road, heading for Hogwarts. He shouted after her to give her time to wipe away any tears she might be shedding, and then legged it through the snow towards her. She stopped to wait for him and he gave her a friendly slap on the shoulder.

"Come on, " he said kindly "I'll take you for a drink in the Hogshead. It'll be less crowded in there."

She smiled slightly and took the arm he offered, and they marched through the snow to the other Hogsmeade pub.

* * *

Albus thanked Madam Rosmerta with a kiss on the hand (which failed to win him a ruby) and proceeded to take the drinks to the others. He looked around for Minerva to give her the gilly water.

"Where's she got to?" he asked.

Professor Sprout and Madam Hooch exchanged a quick nod and Professor Sprout replied

"It was too stuffy in here for her, so she's gone to the Hogshead with Aberforth."

Albus looked most put out.

"Charming!" he said, knocking back the gilly water himself with a grimace.

He didn't say much for the rest of the evening, and Professor Sprout and Madam Hooch noticed that he'd given up trying to fill his jar.

* * *

Back in the Hogshead, Aberforth was pouring Minerva a second shop of fire whiskey. 

"He was only trying to fill his jar, dear, you know that don't you?" he said, patting her on the hand.

"Of course I do!" she cried indignantly "It was just so hot in there…"

"Yes of course. Dreadfully hot. I could hardly stand it myself, either. But you know, he would have much preferred a snog from you. He just doesn't have the balls to ask, because he thinks you'd say no."

She looked momentarily taken aback, but recovered quickly and said

"Well, he would be right! I _would _say no."

"Really?"

"Absolutely."

Aberforth's eyes were twinkling just like his brother's. She could see he knew she wasn't quite telling the truth. The reality of it was, she _would _say no, but only because she didn't want him to kiss her just to fill up his stupid jar. She wished he would kiss her because he _wanted _to. Before she could stop herself, she had blurted this out.

Aberforth smiled triumphantly and gave her a kiss on the nose. A sapphire plopped into his jar, which was on the table.

"Minerva, my dear!" he said happily "If all goes to plan this evening, you may very well get your wish."

* * *

Don't ask me where the title for this chapter came from. I was at a loss, and was wandering round my house talking to myself in a Yorkshire accent. I think it came from desperation.

Catwoman99: I realise that Aberforth is totally out of character (as least, for what we know of him), but I've always thought of him as being a more down to earth Albus. Just a regular, nice guy, really! The books say he's strange, but then so is Albus! I think both of them are flirts - there are lots of examples of Albus flirting in GOF and maybe in PS/SS chapter one (blushing and earmuffs…), so I just transplanted it onto his brother. Glad you like it! Of course, Aberforth is nothing compared to the mighty Lord Flashheart!

**Fortunas Smile****: The title of the second chapter was just my little play on expressions. You've heard of the green-eyed monster - i.e. jealousy? Well, I imagine Minerva with emerald eyes…**

To all reviewers who love Baldric: Aberforth's plan is so cunning it has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Hogwarts School. And head of Slytherin to boot.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I am overwhelmed! I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to take rogueinker's advice and make you sweat if you want more…It's all written, just waiting for your opinions…

So why don't you push my button? Woof! Woof!


	4. The blue eyed monster

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter Four: The Blue-Eyed Monster

There was no answer when Albus knocked on the door of his deputy headmistress's rooms.

"Humph!" he said to himself. "They must have had a lock in at the Hogshead. Time was called at the Three Broomsticks over an hour ago."

He stomped back to his office and sat himself down at the window, where he could see the school gates in the distance. He would wait for her to return, just to see that she was alright, he told himself.

He didn't have to wait long. At about one O'clock, two figures were to be seen slowly making their way up the school path. It was Minerva and Aberforth, walking arm in arm, swaying slightly and giggling madly. An unexpected lurch on Aberforth's part sent them hurtling into the snow, where they lay laughing until one found the energy to pull the other up to continue up the path.

Albus watched with a growing feeling of unease as his brother frolicked in the snow with his dearest friend, and decided to go down to meet them and make sure that Minerva was alright.

He was struck dumb by the sight that met him in the entrance hall. There were Minerva and his brother, their arms wrapped around each other, their lips clamped together in what he could only describe as a snog! And what was more, the jar on the floor beside Aberforth was filling with sapphires.

The couple broke apart and Minerva wished Aberforth goodnight, but he pulled her back to him and said with a big grin and a rather loud voice

"You don't fancy helping me to fill the jar a little more do you?"

She flashed him a McGonagall scowl.

"No, Aberforth, I most certainly do not!"

Then her faced relaxed into a smile and she said

"What would your girlfriend say?! Merry Christmas."

And with that, she disappeared to bed.

* * *

Albus was livid. He stood for a while watching Aberforth, who was watching after Minerva, his pulse rising and his temples throbbing furiously. It took a few moments for him to control his anger. Finally, he regained his voice and came out of the shadows to face his brother. 

"Aberforth!"

"Ah, Albus!" Aberforth cried cheerfully "I was about to come looking for you."

"Were you indeed? Why don't you come up to my office?"

It sounded more like an order than a suggestion.

"Gosh! I feel like a naughty school boy again!"

They made their way in silence up to the headmaster's office and Albus motioned to Aberforth to sit. Aberforth was busy looking around the room, humming to himself.

"Do you know, dear brother, I don't think I've ever been in this office. Well, not since I was at school myself, of course and that was an awfully long time ago…"

"SIT!"

"Oh, as you like, Albus."

Aberforth sat and found himself staring straight at Albus's jar, which was sitting on the desk in front of him.

"You don't seem to have got many more rubies since you kissed Madam Rosmerta, Albus! You were doing rather well up to that point. I don't know how you did it! She wouldn't even let me kiss her on the cheek…"

"From what I witnessed downstairs, that does not seem to have inhibited your score at all!" Albus rumbled.

"What? Oh Minerva…yes, that was rather profitable. She _is _lovely, isn't she? Such an intelligent woman." He shook his jar.

"What on earth do you think you are playing at with my deputy headmistress?!" Albus had not meant to shout quite so loudly, but somehow he had lost control of his voice again.

"Oh we were just having a little fun, Albus! Actually, it was a _lot _of fun, she's a marvellous kisser you know - oh but of course you _must _know already! I bet she's the reason you managed to catch up so fast this year!"

"How dare you?!"

"What on earth do you mean? Are you suggesting that you've had that woman under this roof for this long and you've never once so much as kissed her?"

"Do shut up!"

"Oh, if you say so."

Albus turned his back to his brother to hide the anger in his eyes. He was so furious that he had to clench his fists to stop them shaking.

Aberforth seemed to be muttering to himself.

"What did you say?" Albus demanded, turning to find his own jar in his brother's hands.

"I thought you told me to shut up?" said Aberforth, whipping something that was in his hand behind his back. Albus failed to notice what it was. He rolled his eyes and put his hand out for the jar.

"Just having a quick count, brother mine." said Aberforth, standing to leave with a twinkle in his eye. He stopped suddenly by the door and turned back to his brother.

"I don't suppose I could come calling on Minerva tomorrow could I? I rather fancy asking for another kiss. Does she know that you can't kiss the same woman twice in the same place? Perhaps she'll let me try something different…"

"OUT!!"

Aberforth took to his heels with a grin as a curse came flying towards him. He dreaded to think what he would find growing out of his ears when he got home, but as he scampered down the spiral staircase, he smiled to himself, knowing that it would all be worth it if his plan came to pass.

* * *

**I think I'm going to re-name this story "Aberforth's Cunning Plan". Sounds better than "Seasonal Snogging" which suggests it is merely my usual offering of smut (we'll ignore the fact that it _is_). I'll wait till it's finished, though. **

Incidentally, if you would like me to finish it, you can push the little button and leave me a message!


	5. Traitor!

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter Five: Traitor!

This chapter has been re-written owing to a review I received that said the situation in the original one made the reviewer think of rape. That was certainly not my intention, as this is supposed to be a humorous fic! When looking back at the chapter, however, I found that she had a point and decided to re-write it. It has since taken on a life of its own and now barely resembles its original being. So my apologies to those who reviewed the first one. This is the new and (hopefully) improved version.

* * *

It was two O'clock on Christmas morning and Albus Dumbledore was storming through the castle, heading for Minerva McGonagall's rooms. He knocked loudly and persistently and, not bothering to wait for an answer, gave the pass word and burst in. He was prepared to call her out of bed if necessary, but thankfully found her sitting on her sofa with several large glasses of water in front of her. Some had apparently already been consumed in an attempt to sober up.

She looked up as he stormed in.

"Albus! What are you doing?!" she cried.

"Traitor!" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"What?!" She growled, standing up to face him.

"Traitor!" he repeated with only slightly less conviction, quaking a little under the McGonagall glare.

"What on _earth _are you talking about Albus?"

"You've been fraternising with the enemy!"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I saw you SNOGGING my brother!"

"Ah, yes well…he's been very kind this evening…"

"_I'm _kind _everyday_, but you won't kiss _me_! I had to threaten you with remedial _Creevey brothers _to get you to let me kiss you on the _cheek_! And in the meantime you allow my brother - who you know perfectly well is attached, not to mention suspiciously fond of goats - to stick his tongue down your throat outside the broom cupboard in the main entrance hall!"

He was stamping his feet on the ground and clenching his fists in his anger. Minerva couldn't help but smile to herself. It was like watching a two year old throwing a tantrum. She was surprised he hadn't thrown himself on the floor, kicking and screaming.

"It's just like Phyllis Diddleworth in my fourth year!" he raged. "She swore to me she would rather kiss Aberforth's pet goat than kiss him, but there she was, outside the _same cupboard_, letting him snog her senseless…!"

"Albus, this is ridiculous! I fail to see why you are so upset. What I do in my own time is no concern of yours. Now would you please remove yourself from my rooms!"

"I think you'll find it _is _my concern when you are engaging in such activities on school grounds, where a student might see you."

"But it's alright for you to parade around the school rattling your jar and kissing anything over the age of eighteen in a dress?!"

"Not _anything _in a dress, Minerva. It would have been completely pointless kissing Barnabas the Barmy in his tutu."

"Nevertheless, it is hardly appropriate behaviour for a respectable headmaster."

"Stop trying to turn the tables! This is about _you _kissing _my _brother instead of _me_. And I'm not going anywhere until I've had my own kiss. A proper kiss! Now!"

"Absolutely not! You can't come barging in here demanding I kiss you!"

"Can't I? Watch me!"

He folded his arms across his chest and stood still, with a look of absolute determination on his face.

"I'm not leaving until I've had a kiss like Aberforth!"

"Well then you will be here a very long time!" she said with a smirk. He scowled at her in a most uncharacteristic manner as she re-seated herself on the sofa and took up the next glass of water. He did not move, but after a while recommenced his infuriated rant.

"How could you? My own Deputy Headmistress! My so called friend! With my brother of all people?"

She shrugged and rolled her eyes.

"Oh he's not that bad. He's just as much a gentleman as you. More so, indeed, judging by your behaviour tonight! And Albus, if you are to be my guest for the rest of the evening, I really think you ought to remember your manners and refrain from yelling at your hostess."

He ignored her, uncrossed his arms, and re-folded them the other way.

"Loyalty, Minerva," he stormed "whatever happened to that? Am I not your closest friend as well as your colleague?"

"Supposedly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Do go on with your little tantrum." she said archly "It's very entertaining watching a grown man behave like the Slytherin Quidditch Captain whose team's just lost to Gryffindor."

He suddenly felt very small, and found himself imagining what it must be like to be one of her students, caught beneath that piercing glare. He lowered his voice a little, but continued muttering to himself, voicing his disgust at her disloyalty. She continued drinking her water quietly, every so often looking up to where he was standing - mumbling and scowling like a petulant five year old - and smiling fondly as she marvelled at how well Aberforth knew his brother. She was about to retire to her bedroom and offer him the couch if he still insisted on sitting her out, when she caught a few of the words he was murmuring.

"…knew perfectly well…rotten turncoat…St Mungo's lose out again…bloody home for goats, I'll be a laughing stock…kissing that blasted brother of mine…he'll win the competition _again_…how _could _she?"

She jumped to her feet, knocking the table over as she did so. The situation no longer held any amusement for her when she realised his true intentions had only ever been to fill his jar.

"Competition?!" She shrieked. So much for Aberforth's plan! "This is about that blasted competition?!"

"Do you think I come banging on the doors of my female members of staff in the middle of the night every day of the week demanding they kiss me? It's Christmas day already, and if I don't fill my jar by midday, he'll win again! In the past few years I've donated so much money to Biscestor's bleeding goats home that the man already thinks I plan on retiring there myself! You must help me, Minerva! You owe it to me, after what you did tonight! I'm not going until you've let me kiss you!"

Her lips were white with anger as she pursed them, and her cheeks burned with humiliation. Her fists clenched and unclenched as she desperately tried to prevent her right hand from drawing out her wand, transfiguring him into a sherbet lemon and crunching him between her teeth. He was looking at her expectantly, clearly certain that he had won her round.

She may have managed to keep her hands under control, but her tongue was a different matter. After a moment of speechlessness, she unleashed it on the headmaster.

"If you're so determined to WIN your stupid competition, Professor Dumbledore, why _don't _you take yourself round to the other female Professors' rooms and get them to kiss you?"

Her voice was as cold as ice and he realised that she was about to explode.

"Well, that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that." he stammered, trying to ward off the tirade she was surely going to launch in his direction. "But you're not getting off the hook that easily, oh no! I'm staying put, even if it means staying here all night. And I'm not staying quiet, either, so don't expect to get any sleep! Yes, a few renditions of 'I'm a Friendly Warlock, Won't You Waltz With Me?' should do the trick I think..."

"Oh really?!" she cried "Well, in that case, do allow me to make you more comfortable!"

She whipped out her wand, and before he knew what had happened, he had been hit with _pertrificus totalus_ and was plummeting towards the floor.

As the bedroom door slammed shut, his nose hit the carpet. Unable to make a sound, he mentally yelled "ouch!" as he pondered the difficulties involved in protecting ones features from angry witches.

* * *

Phew! That one took a while, but there it is. For those who read the original chapter five, I'd love to know if you prefer this one. I certainly do, and it leaves a lot of scope for further chapters!

So thank you to Becky the non-signed reviewer for being honest and helping me to improve my stuff! That's what reviews are for!

I realise I have taken a bit of a liberty with the characterisations in this chapter. It could descend into parody, if I'm not careful, but it was necessary for Dumbledore to be wildly angry for plot purposes. I do realise that he's not really the type to shout except when absolutely necessary.

Thanks so much to all who have already reviewed. Please hit me again...


	6. A Man Called Donkey

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter Six: A Man Called Donkey.

Aberforth's plan is still very much intact, but since I re-wrote the last chapter, it seems it's Minerva and Albus who are running the show now. Where will they take us? Your guess is as good as mine…

This chapter is dedicated to Sior, in return for an honour bestowed.

Aberforth Dumbledore gazed into his mirror, bending his elongated ears backwards and forwards philosophically. Perhaps it had been the angle at which the hex had hit him, but he was quite certain that Albus's intention had originally been to curse him with goat's ears, rather than with the donkey ones he currently displayed. He reasoned that his brother had been considerably distracted at the moment of casting the spell, and was confident that the mistake was the result of a troubled and aching heart. Albus, after all, did not usually make mistakes. At least not with spells.

Aberforth credited himself with being a crucial factor in the making of Albus Dumbledore, greatest wizard of the modern age and master of spell-casting. It was he, after all, on whom his brother had honed his skills. There wasn't a curse in existence that Albus hadn't flung at him at some point or other in their childhood. Aberforth had suffered every imaginable hex, potion, human transfiguration and charm that could be applied to an unruly sibling intent on pilfering one's chocolate supply. He had endured so many unfortunate spells at the hand of his brother that the Healer's at St Mungo's used him as a permanent case study. It was not commonly known, but Aberforth had also been instrumental in his brother's work on the uses of dragon's blood, and was to this day still suffering the side-effects of use number four. So he knew well that it was a greatly agitated Albus Dumbledore that had gifted him with donkey ears instead of goats'.

It was extremely unusual for the spell to last this long, however. Albus, at the insistence of their long-suffering mother, usually made sure that the spells he inflicted on Aberforth were only temporary. Any time he was found to have used a permanent spell, he was ordered down to the Laughing Warlock Pub, where Mrs Higweed the landlady kept a beautifully preserved ducking stool for the purposes of punishing naughty local boys. It was only when she discovered that her young boys had grown particularly fond of playing the "how long can you hold your breath before you drown" game that Mrs Dumbledore realised that this specific form of punishment was no longer appropriate for her older son, and resorted instead to the confiscation of his books.

There was no hope of confiscating Albus's books now, of course, if this curse proved to be permanent. As much as Aberforth Dumbledore possessed a sense of fun, he was unwilling to spend Christmas day in the company of his fiancée _and _his big ears. It was one or the other, and he knew which one he preferred. Reluctant as he was to break in on what he supposed would by now be the accomplishment of his cunning plan, he determined to floo Albus immediately and ask him to reverse the hex. Certain that his ruse to help Minerva would have come into effect by now, but equally sure of his brother's gallantry, he threw the floo powder into the fire and said "Albus Dumbledore's bedroom", certain that he would disturb no one but the headmaster.

He put his head into the fire and found himself looking out into the empty bedroom, where there was no sign of Albus.

"Well, well! Perhaps he's not the gentleman I thought he was!" He said to himself, withdrawing from the fire. "I'll just take a peek to be sure…"

To do Aberforth justice, his intentions were not dishonourable. He merely intended to look into Minerva's sitting room fire to check for canoodling school teachers or possibly the odd discarded robe.

What he found was not what he had been expecting at all.

Albus Dumbledore remained where we left him, reader, at the end of the last chapter: face down on Minerva's carpet. Minerva was nowhere to be seen.

Aberforth looked in on him from the fire with raised eyebrows and a considerable waggling of (overlarge) ears.

"She won't be happy when she sees what a mess you've made of the carpet, old chap!" He cried. No answer was forthcoming. Concerned in equal measure for Minerva's carpet as well as the welfare of his brother, he stepped out of the fire and into the room.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore had lain on the floor of the sitting room for almost two hours by the time Aberforth came unwittingly to his rescue. Never a man to be idle under any circumstances, he had passed the hours by attempting to release himself using wand-less magic, while at the same time contemplating Minerva's reaction should he choose to ban the serving of Haggis at Hogmanay this year. The idea of the latter had consumed him with such glee that he had almost forgotten his attempt to break the curse when Aberforth tumbled out of the fireplace.

His younger brother quickly un-petrified him, and he was at last able to free his bloodied nose from the vice that was his head and the floor.

"Ouch!" he cried out as he got to his feet.

"Blimey, Albus!" Aberforth exclaimed. "What happened? Did Minerva thump you before she petrified you?"

"Only metaphorically speaking." said Albus in a sulky voice.

"What on earth do you mean?"

"By kissing you instead of me!"

"But I thought…Albus, what on earth did you do to her to make her petrify you?"

"_Do_ to her? Absolutely nothing! I am perfectly innocent! All I did was come in here and ask to be kissed properly and she laughed at me, suggested I try elsewhere and then knocked me to the floor so fast I didn't even have time to say quidditch! Marvellous bit of witchcraft, actually, now I think about it." he added with a small smile. "What's wrong with your ears?"

Aberforth, who had forgotten about his ears altogether, was looking puzzled.

"Never mind them. What _exactly _did you say to Minerva?"

"You're not supposed to have donkey ears! I aimed a goat curse at you. Why have you got donkey ears?"

"_What did you say to Minerva_?"

"_Donkey _ears. I don't understand. How could I have possibly got that mixed up with the goat curse…"

Aberforth sighed and led his still muttering brother towards the door, cleaning up the mess on Minerva's carpet with a quick swish of his wand.

"Honestly, Albus." He said as he closed the door behind them. "You _really _need to get your priorities sorted."

* * *

The title for this one comes from the Richard Harris film "A Man Called Horse". I thought, if the man who plays Dumbledore is Horse, then Aberforth can be a Donkey! I like to think he would appreciate the joke…


	7. Headbutting

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter Seven: Head-butting

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. And now! "On with the motley…whatever that means."

Minerva had expected to see Albus already at the breakfast table by the time she got there. She expected him to greet her with a scowl and had already prepared her returning glare. She expected this Christmas to be no fun at all. She expected to not be on speaking terms with the Headmaster until he apologised for his behaviour. She expected not to speak to him for the foreseeable future.

But Albus was not at breakfast when she arrived. The staff table had been set up as usual, even though the students who remained at Hogwarts usually breakfasted in their common rooms on Christmas morning. Traditionally, the staff who had not gone home for Christmas breakfasted together. But there was no Headmaster, and that was odd.

Minerva sat herself down and surveyed the other staff members. Everyone seemed very sprightly, except for Snape, of course, which was only to be expected. Professor Sprout was chatting merrily with Professor Flitwick, and Hagrid was tucking into a huge plate of bacon and eggs. Madame Pomfrey, on the other hand, seemed very out of sorts. She was continually yawning and looked as if she was about to pass out in her scrambled egg.

"Are you alright, Poppy?" Minerva stretched across Albus's empty chair to ask the school nurse.

"I'm absolutely knackered, Minerva." Madam Pomfrey replied. "That Headmaster of ours dragged me out of bed at four in the morning!"

Minerva paled a little, and tried to swallow the mouthful of toast she was just munching. For some reason, her mouth had gone very dry. Had Albus released himself from her curse and then taken her up on the suggestion that he wake the other female staff members for a snog instead?!

"Whatever for?" Minerva asked quietly.

"To fix his nose. He _said_ he tripped on his way up to his office and banged his nose on the door knocker, but you know as well as I do that the door opens automatically for him. Personally, I think he was pissed and had challenged Aberforth to a game of head-butting."

Minerva nearly choked on her tea.

"A game of _what_?"

"Head-butting. It's a goat game that they play, although Aberforth's re-named it "Headmaster-butting". I've caught them at it before, both sloshed out of their brains, and of course it's muggins here who has to clean them up afterwards. It involves them ramming each other with a fake pair of horns in the manner of male goats. Something Aberforth invented when they were children, apparently, to distract Albus from practicing hexes on him. I made them promise not to do it anymore, but they've clearly been at it again." She tutted. "Ridiculous. At their age. Albus should know better, that's the _third _time he's broken his nose!"

Minerva dropped her toast.

"He broke his nose?" She asked anxiously.

"Yes! It was a terrible state, and the silly bugger didn't come straight to me, oh no! He left it for a while until Aberforth decided he should get it seen to."

"Aberforth? Did he go with Albus?"

"Yes. I had to sort him out too, he had this huge pair of donkey ears and they were a nightmare to remove. Honestly, those two are like a pair of five year olds sometimes…"

Minerva was thoroughly confused.

"Did you manage to fix Albus's nose?" she asked.

"Almost. I mean, there was never much hope for that great conk of his, but he left it too long to save much of what shape he had. There'll be another big bump on it by the time it's finished healing. And he's got two magnificent black eyes!"

"Can't you do something about them? Surely you could fix them in a moment?"

"Well, yeeeesss…but I felt like getting my own back for being disobeyed so I gave him a slow recovery potion. Might teach him not to play silly-buggers."

Minerva looked aghast.

"But Poppy, it's Christmas!"

"He should have thought of that before having a skin-full and playing childish games. Don't worry, his eyes will be back to normal by the afternoon."

Minerva wrung her napkin in her hands. "Poor Albus!" She thought. "I wonder if he broke his nose when he fell?"

"Where is he now, Poppy." She asked.

"Gawd knows. Probably sulking in front of a mirror in his office."

Minerva bit her lip and carried on eating. She had been angry with him, yes, but she had not meant to hurt him. She decided that she would go and look for him after breakfast and see if he was okay. Maybe she would give him her Christmas present to cheer him up.

She spent the rest of the morning searching the castle for him. He was not in his office, nor was he in his living quarters. She could find him neither in the Astronomy tower, where he was known to go for peace and quiet, nor was he in the room of requirement, where he had been known to go to practice his bowling technique in times of great stress. At last, at a quarter to twelve, she gave up the search and headed towards the staff room for the exchanging of presents.

As she passed a window that looked out onto the gates of Hogwarts, she spotted a solitary figure making its way up the path. It was Albus, walking very slowly and looking very forlorn. Behind him, he dragged his jar, still half full with rubies, but seemingly no longer important to him, for it scraped along the ground, attached to what appeared to be a goat lead.

Minerva went down to the doorway to meet him. He was a pitiful sight, dragging his feet and his jar along the pathway. He looked like a lost little boy, and her heart melted further when she saw that his eyes were swollen and purple from the broken nose. As he slowly and painfully climbed the steps to the great doors of Hogwarts, she stepped outside to meet him. He stopped where he was when he recognised the hem of her robes and slowly raised his eyes to her. Was he angry? Would he allow her to apologise? Would he ever speak to her again?

He took a deep breath and she prepared herself for the onslaught. He said nothing, however, but breathed deeply again. His hand reached for his pocket and began to rummage quickly.

"He's going for his wand!" she thought, panicked. "He's going to hex me!"

She discreetly moved her hand to her own pocket and clasped her wand.

Albus's hand had found what it was looking for, and he drew it out. Minerva breathed a sigh of relief. It was a white handkerchief. He waved it at her and she smiled. He was about to replace it in his pocket, when his body was wracked by a huge sneeze. He clamped the handkerchief to his face and doubled over in pain.

"OUCH!!!!" he cried.


	8. Presenting Professors

**Disclainer: All characters, places etc. are on loan from JK Rowling.**

**It's taken me a long time to finish this story, but I can at last say that, with the help of a bottle of the cheapestGreat Wall Cabernet Sauvignon and far too many cigarettes, I have finally done it. Many thanks to Foci for badgering me, and to Rogueinker for providing such a fine example of commitment to completing fics.And of course, thank you to everyone who read and reviewed, you were all very helpful. **

**I warn you now: Fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff, fluff. **

Seasonal Snogging: Chapter 8: Presenting Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall.

Minerva bit her lip as Albus recovered himself. When he was fully upright again, she spoke.

"Hello Albus." She said softly. He looked up at her and attempted a half smile, replacing his handkerchief in his pocket.

"Hello Minerbah." He replied through his broken nose. "Merry 'Chrisdmas."

Her head tilted to one side as she looked at him sympathetically.

"You don't look very merry, Albus. Where have you been? I've been looking for you everywhere."

He sighed as he reached the step below her. For once, _she _towered over _him_. He cleared his throat painfully and found that he was able to speak a little more clearly, his v's and th's being the only consonants hindered by his disfigurement.

"I've been at Aberforb's all morning. We were trying to heal my face, but it looks like Poppy fed me someding to make it a slow recuhbbery. A bit mean on Christmas morning, I dink, but we did wake her up at a ridiculous hour."

"She thinks you were playing 'head-butting'. Perhaps I could explain to her that it was my fault?"

He smiled up at her as much as he could.

"It's nuhdding I don't deserhb, Minerva."

She chuckled, not at his profession of responsibility , but at the comical way his broken nose impeded his speech. He was no longer the dignified Headmaster, nor the tantrum-throwing, aged- lunatic who had appeared in her room the night before. He was, in fact, a little pathetic.

"Well, perhaps not, but it is Christmas after all." She replied, feeling a mixture of guilt and sympathy wash over her. She moved closer to him and put her hands on his cheeks as she examined his swollen eyes with a frown. He was not looking his best. In fact, he looked like he'd been boozing it up with Grawp.

Albus sighed as her hands touched his cheeks. She had such delicate hands, such long and slender fingers…

"Why don't you come inside and open your presents?" She suggested.

He nodded slowly and together they walked into the castle as the school clock chimed midday.

As they reached the gargoyle that lead to the Headmaster's office, Minerva stopped, reached for his hand, and said:

"Your present is in my office."

"No madder." he said, flicking his wand and summoning her gift. It landed in her hand and she chuckled.

"Why didn't I think of that?" She asked.

He held out his arm to her and together the ascended the stairs.

Once inside the office, Albus cast his jar and its goat lead into the corner with a snarl as he moved to his desk, pausing only to give the sleeping Fawkes a Christmas pat on the head. Pulling out the left hand drawer, he presented Minerva with her Christmas present.

"I'm sorry I behabed so abominably last night, Minerva." He said, offering it to her across the desk. "I just…" He gave a sheepish shrug "…well…Merry Chrisdmas."

She smiled, half gratified by his apology and half moved by the speech impediment she had imposed upon him as she accepted his gift. He was, even in this state, still very wonderful to her. His nose may have been bloodied and bent, his eyes black, bruised and bloodshot, but this Christmas morning her was very much _her _Albus Dumbledore: kind and gentlemanly…and humble.

She took the gift from him and passed his in return.

"Merry Christmas Albus. I am so very sorry that I caused your broken nose." Her eyes were locked on the desk as her hands lightly fingered his gift to her. It was small and apparently soft. She squeezed it and jumped as it squeaked at her. Albus chuckled.

"It is not my only gifd to you, I must confess." He said "And as for my broken nose…I do belieb dat I hab already said dat I deserbed it."

With care, she opened his present to find a cat toy in the shape of a grey mouse. She squeezed it again and it squeaked once more.

"Albus Dumbledore!" She cried, unable to conceal her grin. "It is quite… marvellous."

She tossed the mouse in the air and with a loud pop transformed into her animagus form. In cat shape, she crossed the desk, batting the fallen mouse out of the way, and jumped into his arms.

He held her to him, stroking her back gently and tickling her ears. Her purr was loud and clearly contented.

"Does this mean that you like my gift, Professor McGonagall?" He asked, smiling down at her, his speech impediment apparently improved. Gradually, it seemed, his eyes had lost some of their blackness too.

With another pop, she reappeared as herself, still cradled in his embrace.

"I like it very much, Professor Dumbledore." And she placed a quick kiss on his cheek.

There was a clatter in the corner and both turned to see another ruby settling into the jar that he had cast into the corner of his office.

He frowned as her expression hardened a little and she loosened her hold on the collar of his robes.

"Well, that's not right." He muttered. She raised two stern eyebrows. "The competition ended at midday, Minerva!" He continued, unnerved by her frown. "And besides, I have already claimed your kiss to my cheek."

Her expression joined him in his confusion.

"I beg your pardon, Albus?"

"Well, the rules of the competition state that the same woman cannot kiss you in the same place twice and vice versa. That's how Aberforth's been winning, of course, what with his girlfriend and all. She must have been kissing him absolutely everywhe…"

Minerva cleared her throat.

"Am I to understand, Albus," She said sternly "that my method of thanks has just earned you a point?"

Her look was grave and severe, as it had been the night before when he had dared to demand she kiss him properly. His mouth opened and closed in his attempt to find an explanation.

"Well…yes, it has, I'm afraid But I am at a loss to explain it! Clearly the jar is malfunctioning. The competition is over, Minerva, I swear."

She eyed him suspiciously.

"Are you certain, Albus?"

"Quite certain, my dear. I charmed the jars myself, Aberforth being somewhat less…inclined that way."

She looked him deep in the eye and despite all his power as a legilimens, he could not fathom her thoughts. Her eyes narrowed as she considered the evidence, and then widened as the realisation hit her.

"But Albus," She said, her hands - mercifully, he thought - still resting on his shoulders. "_I _did not kiss _you _on the cheek yesterday. It was the other way round."

He considered for a moment, distracted somewhat by her closeness. Had it been the other way round? He could not think. Either way, there should be no extra ruby in the jar.

Without thinking further, he leaned forward and planted a kiss on her right cheek. Another ruby plopped into the jar. He frowned and kissed her on her left cheek. Again, a new ruby landed on the pile.

"I don't understand it, Minerva, really I don't!"

Her frown continued, but he found that he did not regret it. She was so very wonderful when she was angry. Quickly, he leaned forward and kissed her again, this time on the lips. It was short and over in seconds, but of such power that she failed to notice another ruby clang in the jar. As their lips parted, she felt his arms tighten around her waist as he pulled her closer to him. Without thought, she leaned forward and kissed him again on the mouth, harder this time, and much, much longer. A few more rubies dropped into the jar as Albus pressed her to him, the sound of the jewels graduating from a trickle to a downpour in his ears.

As they reluctantly pulled away, decency dictating that they reserve their passion for a later date, Albus once again cleared his throat, and with a small smile and one eye on the jar in the corner, said:

"Minerva, my dear. I wonder if I could prevail upon you to join me in a little experiment?"

The common consensus was that Albus Dumbledore was a master legilimens; but in that moment, Minerva McGonagall read his mind perfectly. She had barely smiled her consent before she was lifted entirely by the wizard before her and carried off to his bedroom, where he proceeded to kiss her in every place imaginable, as well as a few that had never crossed her mind before.

Aberforth Dumbledore smiled contentedly as he watched the sapphires that he had collected in his jar disappear one by one - or sometimes in twos or more. They rose from the pile and sped to the top of the jar before vanishing before his eyes. He chuckled to himself and ordered another pint of butterbeer from Madam Rosemerta.

"Aren't you supposed to be collecting them rather than losing them?" She asked as she poured him his drink.

He shook his head and grinned. "That was yesterday, my dear Rosemerta. Today…there has been a change of plan."

She frowned and handed him her drink.

"Why? Where are all the sapphires you won going?"

"To Albus' jar."

"But why?"

"Because I charmed his jar last night in his office so that they would transfer to his should he decide to look past that great conk of his and finally attempt to get lucky with a certain witch. And it looks like he is getting lucky." Several rubies hurtled to the top of the jar and disappeared. Aberfoth's count was rapidly decreasing. "Very lucky." He whispered to himself.

"Ah!" Cried Rosemerta "Minerva!"

Aberforth's eyebrows raised in surprise, as Rosemerta smiled knowingly at him across the bar. He tipped his glass to her.

"To the happy couple." He said as she raised her own. "May this be a Christmas to remember."

* * *

**One more chapter to go...**


	9. The Jar Cracked from Side to Side

Seasonal Snogging Chapter 9: The Jar Cracked From Side to Side

At approximately 1.45pm that afternoon, Fawkes was heard to give a loud and uncharacteristically vulgar squawk. At about the same time, or perhaps just seconds before, in the office of the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there was a loud crack, followed by the sound of an avalanche. Fawkes remained glued to his perch, his eyes widening with surprise at the sight before him. Had he been a human with eyebrows, they would have risen to the very top of his head in a manner not at all unlike the witch who currently occupied the Headmaster's bedroom…and the Headmaster too.

* * *

Minerva McGonagall attempted to get up from the bed and retrieve her outer robe which was lying on the floor of Albus Dumbledore's bedroom. With a flash, and the sound of "accio Minerva!" ringing in her ears, she felt herself pulled - and not for the first time - back towards the bed, at first by magic, and then by strong arms that refused to release her. 

"We have to go down for Chirstmas dinner, Albus!" She giggled.

"No, no, no! Let's stay here all day. We can have Christmas dinner in bed!"

She attempted to extricate herself from his arms once more. Laughing, she pulled with all her might against his hold, and managed to get one foot on the floor, allowing her to free herself from him. Having lost her arms, he grabbed her skirts instead and tugged with all his might, tearing part of the material. She screamed with amused horror.

"Oh ho!" He cried, taking advantage of her surprise and pulling her back onto the bed, and onto him, "You can't go down to the Great Hall now! What will they say when they see you in such a bedraggled state? Your skirts all torn, your hair falling out…and a big smile on your face!"

"They will say that Albus Dumbledore is beginning to take this Crimbo Contest too seriously and is molesting his staff!" She chuckled

She rolled off him, still laughing, in the other direction this time, and landed before the door - too far away for him to reach without getting off the bed himself. He lay for a moment, watching her with a gleam of mischief in his eyes. She stared right back at him, her cat-senses on alert, ready to make a run for it should he move quickly for her again. He moved an inch, and before he knew it, she had flung the door open and was in the office. At least, she would have been in the office, had she not found herself obstructed.

She took a step backwards into the bedroom. Her gaze was fixed on the office interior, but Albus could see nothing from the bed.

"What is it, Minerva?"

"Are you certain the contest is over, Albus?" She asked, her eyebrows raised, a small smile on her face.

"Quite certain. It is nearly two O'clock in the afternoon. It's definitely over."

"Oh, I see. Are you certain you charmed the jars correctly, then?"

He jumped off the bed in mock fury at the insult.

"Quite certain, again." He said, his arms folded across his chest as if offended by her question.

"Oh, well in that case…" she gave an amused shrug "you had better come and have a look at this."

He moved over to the door with the intention of placing his arms around her waist once more and dragging her back to the bed, but his attention was arrested by the site that met his eyes: his office was covered in rubies. The pile stretched from the corner where he had left the jar to the fireplace, to the main door and to the window - in short, it covered the entire office. It was as high as the window pane, almost as high as Fawkes' perch, and higher than the desk, where neither quill nor parchment could be seen for the rubies that covered it entirely.

He stepped into his office and jumped back quickly, yelping with pain at the feel of dozens of sharp jewels digging into his shoeless feet. Minerva caught him to prevent him from falling as he hopped into her arms.

"What on earth does it mean, Albus?" She asked.

"It means," he said, regaining his balance and kissing her hand, only to see yet another ruby join the gigantic pile "that I have underestimated my brother."

She smiled slightly and silently agreed with him. Albus pulled her closer to him again and bent his head to kiss her neck.

"It also means…" he kissed her throat gently and she sighed "…that, owing to the fact that we appear to be trapped…" he kissed her once more and lifted her into his arms "…we shall have to forego Christmas dinner in the Great Hall. Too bad. We'll just have to have Christmas dinner in bed after all. Now...why don't we try another little experiment? Let's see exactly how many rubies can be squeeze into my office…"

**The end**


End file.
